Parenthood. No not the TV show (I’ve never seen the show). I’m talking about actual parenthood and the funny/somewhat ridiculous things that come along with it. I’ve only been a parent for 7 months but that has been time enough to gather fodder for laughter. So here are my Top Ten Things (So Far) I never realized parenting involved:
- A much larger percentage of your time is spent on the floor. Ever wonder what’s down there on your floor? Wonder no more because you’ll be getting up close and personal with all your dust bunnies.
- Cold coffee. Always the coffee gets cold. Always. This is because you pour the coffee when baby is happy but by the time the cup reaches your mouth baby needs something. So you put the coffee down and that’s the end of that story.
- Speaking of cold coffee, don’t ever try to drink coffee straight from the pot because you don’t want to wash another dish. It will burn your face, trust me.
- Rocking the baby and talking yourself down from scratching the itch on your face because baby is almost asleep. I mean I knew parenting would involve sacrifices but not itching that scratch is akin to waterboarding if you ask me.
- A new vocab that includes words like Boppy, Bumbo, WubbaNub, Infantino, and Exersaucer. Yeah this kid is not learning english.
- Clipping a toddler’s toenails should be an Olympic sport. Or at least a rodeo sport. It’s like hog tying except with more tears.
- Similarly, it is humanly impossible to simultaneously eat a cinnamon roll and care for a newborn. ‘Nuf said.
- Rescue Remedy. This natural pain reliever came highly recommended by other parents and the pediatrician. We picked some up for Charlotte and she made a funny face when we gave her the recommended 2 droplets so Richard and I tasted it. I don’t want to give away Rescue Remedy’s secret or anything but we’re pretty sure it’s just whiskey.
- Baby buggers could be harvested and sold as industrial adhesive. What I’m trying to say is that they are sticky. So sticky that if you get them on your hands or clothes you’ll be like Chevy Chase in that scene from Christmas Vacation.
- The enormous love I have for my baby. All kidding aside, I have been surprised by just how much I love my little bundle of joy. I wouldn’t trade any of it!
Thanks for the laughs, Charlotte. I’m sure there’s more to come!